Hanging Onto Hope
by sarahbethh1992
Summary: Bella met the love of her life with she was 9. Now 22 and married she is fighting for her dreams. Her dreams of being a mother. She is trying to hang on to hope as she is told she has PCOS and may never have kids of her own. Her life and her marriage are put on the line as she struggles to make her dreams come true. All human. Unedited so please let me know of any mistakes!
1. Prologue

**Authors Note -** **This chapter is just a bit of a back story. The end of the chapter gives a slight look into the plot, but the second chapter really gives what it's about. Most of this story will be written in Bella POV from chapter two and on.**

 **All character belong to Stephenie Myer.**

 **August 2001 – Third Person POV – 9 Years Old**

"Bella this is Edward. He came over to play with you." Jasper smiled at his little sister. "And you remember Alice don't you?"

"Hi Bella."

"Hi. You wanna play hide and seek."

"Sure."

"NOT IT." They both yelled at the same time.

They ran around the yard playing for a couple hours before sitting down beside Jasper and Alice on the swing. Alice got them a couple popsicles. Green for Edward and purple for Bella.

"Alice, is Jasper your boyfriend?" Edward asked and Bella wrinkled her nose. Her daddy says boys are okay to play with, but not to be boyfriends.

Alice laughed. "Yes he is."

Edward stared at her. "Oh." He wondered if Bella would be his girlfriend and thought about asking her, but chickened out. He looked at her with her pigtails and slightly purple lips. He thought she'd make a good girlfriend.

"Bella!"

Bella was coloring when she heard her mom yell for her. Happily she threw down her markers and ran down the steps. She'd bet that Alice and Edward were here. Jasper was taking Alice on a date, so Alice brought Edward over so they could play again. Bella liked playing with Edward, he wasn't mean to her like the other boys and he always shared his cookies with her.

Once she was downstairs they went outside to the backyard so they could play in their house, which was actually just a old shed that Bella's dad never tore down.

They were playing I spy when Edward asked Bella if she had ever kissed a boy. "Yucky, no!"

Edward signed. "Well, I've never kissed a girl either. Maybe we should be each others first kiss that way it wont be so gross."

Bella thought for long moment and agreed maybe Edward was right. So with clenched eyes and overly puckered lips they kissed. A simple innocent first kiss. After, they went back to playing I spy until Bella's mom yelled for them to come eat dinner.

 **June 2007 – 15 years old**

Bella was nervous, more so then she has ever been in her life. Edward, her best friend was picking her up in just 30 minutes to go on their first date. She didn't know what to wear or how to act. She was really starting think that dating Edward was a bad idea. Sure he was the cutest boy she ever met. He had really pretty green eyes and a killer smirk, but she was starting to think she just wasn't ready. She growled at her closet before stomping out of her room and going two doors down to knock on Jaspers. Alice opened the door and smiled.

"Need help with your outfit?"

Bella smiled. "Yes please."

They walked to Bella's room together, leaving Jasper behind. Once there Bella sat on her bed, while Alice went through her closet.

"Have you and Jasper found a house yet?" Bella asked.

Alice and Jasper were 21 and freshly engaged, but before they got married they wanted to live together for a while. Carlisle and Charlie didn't like it, but they couldn't stop them. So they agreed to help them get a house. Jasper wanted a farm, so they needed a big down payment.

"Not yet. We are thinking of maybe buying land and having one built." Alice told her, picking out a simple pair of dark jeans and a light blue, loose fitting sweater.

Bella smiled at the outfit and started getting undressed. While putting on the clothes Alice picked, she asked. "That will be a lot more expensive. Do you think you will get a big enough loan?"

"We don't know yet, but we are hopeful." Alice lead Bella to her vanity and started brushing her hair. She brushed and fluffed it until it was hanging perfectly off Bella's shoulders, before giving Bella a kiss on the cheek and going back to Jaspers room.

Bella huffed and went downstairs to wait for Edward. Her mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner and her dad was just walking in from work. "Hey Bell." He greeted her, putting his jacket up. "Why are you so dressed up?"

"I already told you, dad. I have a date with Edward tonight."

His expression turned sour. "Right."

Bella sighed as her father made his way to his lazy boy and turned on the TV. She turned toward the kitchen and went to take a seat on the counter where her mom was cooking.

Renee smiled at her. "You look pretty."

Bella blushed. "Alice picked it out and fixed my hair."

They talked a bit more while Renee worked, before they heard the doorbell ring. Bella's eyebrow lift, Edward never rings the doorbell, he always just comes right in just like she does at his house. It was a date though, she told herself, this is definitely different. She jumped off the counter to go get the door before Charlie, but when she turned into the living room she heard them talking.

"Hi Edward." She walked up to Charlie, interrupting what he was saying.

Edward smiled. "Hi Bella. You look beautiful, as always."

Bella blushed and Charlie grunted. "Have her back by 11pm."

"Yes sir." Edward said to Charlie's back, as he had already turned and started back towards his chair. He looked back at Bella and handed her the flowers he had in his hand. Bella blushed, realizing he had held them the whole time and she hadn't noticed.

"Thank you." She whispered, pulling them up to her nose for a long smell. "They are beautiful. Just let me go put them in some water and we can go."

Bella quickly put the flowers in a vase and grabbed her jacket. Edward grabbed her hand as they walked to the car. She smiled when she saw Esme sitting with the car running. "She didn't have to sit in the car."

He laughed and opened the backseat door for her. "She wanted to."

Bella got into the car and smiled at Esme. "Hi, thanks for taking us out."

"Oh, no thanks needed sweetheart."

Edward came around and sat in the backseat with Bella. As soon as the door closed Esme pulled out of the driveway and Edward grabbed Bella's hand, letting them rest together in the middle seat. Bella blushed at the warm feeling it gave her. Bella realized that Esme was driving towards La Push and gave Edward a confused look. He smiled at her and pulled her hand up to kiss the back of it. "Just wait." He whispered around her hand. It was just 20 minutes later that they pulled up to first beach. Esme smiled back at them and Bella heard the trunk pop open. "You two have fun and I will be here in a couple hours to pick you up."

Edward reached up and kissed his mom on the cheek before jumping out and coming to Bella's side of the car to open her door. "Bye Esme. Thanks again." Esme just nodded and smiled as Bella got out of the car.

Edward was already at the trunk, pulling out a big picnic basket. Bella smiled at the site and followed Edward as he walked down the beach. Bella feeling slightly bold, reached over and grabbed his hand. He smirked and Bella blushed. They walked for about 15 minutes, leaving behind the kids and people playing on the beach. Edward let go of Bella's hand to open the basket to lay a blanket on the sand. He sat the basket on the blanket and sat down beside it. Bella took her spot right beside him.

"This is nice." She noted. It was a little cold, but still nice.

"I wanted to do something different, something special, just for you."

"Well this is."

They ate a small meal of pita bread sandwiches, coke in wine glasses, then fruit. Once they was done Bella helped Edward pack it all back into the basket then together they laid back on the blanket, staring at the slightly darkening sky.

"I spy with my little eye something beautiful."

Bella laughed at him, realizing he was playing their childhood game. She stopped laughing though when she turned to look at him and he was staring right at her. It was her that he spied.

He smiled. "Bella have you ever kissed a boy?"

She laughed again, but before she could answer he was kissing her. It wasn't as innocent as the kiss they shared some years ago, it was still sweet, gentle as a butterfly wing and it filled Bella with warmth.

 **September 4 2010 – Age 18**

"You look beautiful, Bella." Alice said. "I don't think there has ever been a more beautiful bride…well besides me."

Bella smiled at her sister in law. Her and Jasper got married just a few months ago in February. "Its crazy, isn't it? No one thought that you and Jasper would make it being together since 14 and here me and Edward are."

Alice nodded. "I for one never thought my baby brother would marry my boyfriends sister." She laughed. "But I couldn't have picked a better woman for my brother."

Bella smiled and being careful not to wrinkle her dressed, she hugged Alice. "I couldn't have pick better for my big brother."

"Well, yeah because Alice is the best." We both turned to see Jasper leaning against the door frame. We shared a laugh before Alice left the room. Jasper walked closer to me. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes, Jasper this is what I want. We already had this conversation. I know we are young, but I love him. Nothing will ever change that."

He smiled. "Okay as long as your sure. Mom and dad are on their way in here. They wanted us to have some time alone, so I will get out of your way. I love you, Bella." Jasper hugged her and left the room. Bella found a seat on the same couch and waited for her parents. Once they got there they gave her a beautiful white Diamond and sapphire neckless and a ring that was grandma Swan's. Her mom hugged her tight before leaving and just 10 minutes later Charlie walked his daughter down to the beach to meet her soon to be husband.

 **August 2014 – Bella 21**

Bella groaned rolling over in bed. She didn't want to get up. Today was the end of her two week wait and she wasn't looking forward to testing today. She stretched her arm out, feeling for Edward but his spot was empty and cold. He had already gone to work.

Groaning again, Bella got up and went to the bathroom. She pulled out a blue plastic cup out of the closet and peed into. She ripped the pregnancy test out of its wrapper and dipped in into the urine for the right amount of time and sighed while she wiped and flushed the urine from the cup. She threw the cup in the garbage and stared at the test. Only one line. Not pregnant. Bella stared hard still willing a line to be there. Bella grabbed the test and threw it in the trash. Leaning against the wall, she sighed. "Happy birthday to me


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One - Bella POV – July 2015

A hand landed on my knee and I looked over at my husband. "Stop taping your foot. Your nervousness is making me nervous."

I smile slightly. "Sorry, hun."

He smiled back at me and turned back to his phone, playing a game. I wasn't sure which game because I couldn't get my eyes to focus on the phone. Every time my eyes left the brown door, they would go right back. My doctor was running late. I heard the door to the office open and then saw a woman, at least 7 months pregnant, walk in and sit right beside me. My eyes left the door and landed on her rounded stomach.

"Huge, I know." The woman giggle, after I was staring for a couple minutes.

I flushed. "I'm sorry for staring. That was rude of me."

She looked at my slightly round stomach. "Staring at your future?" She asked.

My teeth clenched. "No. Staring at what I hope to have one day." My tone was sharper then intended.

Edward laid his hand on mine. "Bella-"

"I'm sorry." I apologized to the woman before Edward could say anymore. She nodded and turned her face away from me. I sighed. I didn't mean to be rude. The brown door opened and a nurse called my name. I stood up and slowly walked toward her, Edward right beside me. The nurse took my weight, blood pressure and all that fun stuff. Once done she lead me to a room and told me the doctor would be there soon. It wasn't long that there was a small tap on the door and the doctor walked in.

"Hello, Bella." She smiled brightly, shaking my hand. "I am . Is this your husband?" She asked, looking at Edward. He stood up and smiled. Shaking her hand he introduced himself. sat down at the computer and typed for a few moments. "Okay, from my understanding you have been trying to convince for a little over a year?"

I nodded my head at her question and she continued. "Okay what I like to do is go through reasoning as to why it may be happening. Have you ever had any symptom's that would maybe be the reason you haven't convinced?"

I nodded and took a big breath. "I don't have regular cycles. I have periods maybe every 3-6 months."

She frowned for a moment. "Well when you say that it makes me think PCOS. I'll go through a check list of symptom's with you."

"Do you have any hair growth in strange places?"

I glanced at Edward. He didn't know this. "Yes I have a little chin hair and chest hair."

She looked the computer then asked. "I see that your slightly overweight. Do you have problems with losing weight?"

"Yes, I started gaining when I was 13 and no matter what I do it just won't come off."

She signed. "Based on this information, I want to do some blood work today. High testosterone is almost always present in PCOS. If it comes back higher we will do a ultrasound. Do you have any questions?"

"Just one." I mumbled. "What is PCOS?"

"PCOS stands polycystic ovary syndrome. Basically, it's a hormonal disorder. For now I will give you some print outs to take home."

"If she has this how hard will it be for us to get pregnant?" Edward asked.

"Well, it just depends. I would prefer to not get into details until you're blood work comes back. Just so you don't worry about something that you may not even have."

I nodded, understanding but asked. "Is it curable?"

"No. As of now there is no cure for PCOS."

"It's going to be okay, Bella." Edward reached over and wiped the tears off my cheek. We sat in the car after my blood was drawn and despite the fact that Edward needed to go to work, we just couldn't leave. I shook my head. No, it wasn't going to be okay. The doctor was suppose to tell me nothing was wrong. She was suppose to tell us to keep trying and we'd get pregnant in no time. I didn't voice this though, I just looked at Edward with a watery smile.

"Okay. Let's go home. You need to get to work."

He started the car, but shook his head as he pulled out. "I can stay home today. Dad will understand."

I sighed, it's true he would understand. I just wasn't ready to tell the whole family. "Yes, he will but I don't want them to know yet. Not until we know for sure."

As soon as Edward got to the site I knew Carlisle would ask questions. Edwards father runs a small, but successful construction company. Edward started working for him right out of high school and has been thinking of buying half the company from his dad. One day, the company will be his anyway.

"He is going to ask." Edward said, frowning.

"Tell him they are doing test, which they are and that we don't really know anything yet."

We started our way home. We live about a hour away. Sadly doctor option are few in our small town, Forks Washington so we have to drive to Port Angeles for my fertility doctor. We were silent on the way home and when we finally pulled into our long drive way, Edward sighed. "Sure you don't want me to stay home?"

"I'm fine. Go to work."

I gave him a quick kiss and got out of the car. Edward waited to leave until I was in the house. I closed the door and I just stared. We bought this house right after we got married. Two story, two bed and one and a half bath. Our parents chipped in and helped us get a sizable down payment. It sits on a small piece of land. We had planned to build on another room, full bath and a larger family room once we started having kids. Edward had wanted to do it right away and I'm glad we didn't, the house is already big and empty. Adding additional rooms would have made the empty feeling worse.

Wiping away more tears, I went to the kitchen and pulled open the puppy gate. Our 6 month old chocolate lab, Milo quickly woke from his nap and ran towards me. "Do you need to go potty boy?" He wagged his tail and let out a bark. I took that as a yes and went to open the side sliding door in the kitchen. As soon as he could he took off outside and I turned around to clean up the couple of accidents he had. He is pretty well potty trained, but always pees when we are gone, even if it's only ten minutes. I personally think it's his way of letting us know he isn't happy being left behind.

After I had given Milo water and food, I made my way upstairs. Opening the second door on the left, more tears left my eyes. The room was full of baby stuff. A crib was sitting against the the left wall, with a rocking chair sitting in the corner. A few odd and end things sat here and there. Unisex clothes filled part of the closet. As soon as we decided to start trying I started filling up this room. I went and sit down in the rocking chair and sighed. What if we never had kids? Would Edward want to leave me for a better fertile woman? And our parents that our dying for their youngest children to give them grandchildren, how would they feel? I looked down at my stomach and a few tears left my eyes. What would I do if I couldn't be a mother? That was the plan, the only plan. We were suppose to get married and I would stay home and take care of the kids and have dinner on the table as soon as my husband walked through the door. I know its old fashion, but its what I truly wanted.

A few hours later when Edward finally got home, dinner wasn't on the table. He found me still sitting in the rocking chair. It was getting late, so it was dark in the room since I never turned on the light. When the light came on I winched, just now realizing how long I had been sitting here.

"Bella." He didn't say anything else, just came over and sat against the wall. Milo followed him in and laid down, laying his head on Edward's knee. We sat in silence for a while before Edward spoke.

"Its going to be okay."

I nodded, but didn't say anything.

"We will get through this. If we have to do fertility treatments we will and if that don't work and we have to adopt we will do that. Bella, I love you and we will do whatever we have to in order to make this work, to make your dream come true."

I looked down at him. "I love you too."

I didn't tell him that it wasn't going to be okay. That treatment may not work and we may not be approved to adopt. And I didn't tell him that the dream was gone, burnt and smoking. I just said those four words and went back to staring at the empty crib were a baby may never lay.

 **Authors Note -** **I hope you all are enjoing this story. Ive never read anything like this before on fanfiction, so I wanted to put it out there. The struggle with infertility is real and hard and painful and i hope you all will enjoy learning about the all this with Bella and Edward.**


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Three – Bella POV – July 2015**

"Okay, Bella I got your blood work. As you know we done a quite a few tests, so I will just go over it with you. Your insulin and glucose test came back good, which is great. A lot of women with PCOS have diabetes so that's good. Your TSH is pretty good, which means your thyroid is working correctly, which is sometimes a concern with POCS. Your FSH, which is the hormone that helps stimulate your ovaries to produce eggs is a little on the low side, but still good. Lastly your testosterone is higher then normal. A normal woman have a level of 9-55, but yours is 90. That alone is a good reason to believe you have PCOS."

I wanted to scream, but instead asked. "Okay, so what's next?"

"Well I can get you in for a ultrasound today. We can see how your uterus and ovaries look. Does that sound okay?"

I nodded. "What will I have to do to get pregnant."

"A pill called clomid is going to be first. It works well for a lot of women, some not so much." She smiled at me. "Lets get your ultrasound done and we will talk after."

Edward and I went back to the waiting room. I sat down and willed myself not to cry. Not here, not in this room. Later, I told myself, when I'm alone and no one is looking. "Do you want me to come back with you?" Edward asked me after a couple minutes.

I stared at him. "Yes, of course." He nodded, but didn't say anything else. It was only a few minutes later that the ultrasound tech called us back. She left the room for a moment and told me to get naked from the waist down. After I laid down on the table and covered myself with the paper blanket, Edward opened the door. The tech came back in and turned off the light.

"Okay, Bella first we are going check your uterus. Then I will check out your ovaries and see if you have any cyst."

I nodded at her and she came to stand beside me. I lifted my shirt up to my breast and she squeezed something onto my stomach. "Just helps the wand move." She told me.

I took a deep breath and looked up at the screen. "Your uterus looks great." She said moving the wand around. Now lets give your ovaries a check. We will have to do this vaginally."

A breath left me a in gush. One down, one to go. The tech took a seat on the stool between my legs and I watched as she put a condom and extra lube on the wand. "A little pressure." She warned before inserting the wand.

I stared at the screen, not really knowing what I was seeing. "That is your left ovary. If you look right inside you'll see about 10 small white spots. Those are cyst. Let me check the right."

I told myself not to cry, but I couldn't help it. My breath caught in my throat and I felt like I couldn't breath. Once she found my right ovary, she told me there were about 7 cysts on that one, before pulling the wand out. "Go ahead and get dressed, then wait in the waiting room. Dr. Jones will call you back once she has the pictures but just from the looks of your ovaries, I think she was right in guessing PCOS."

I nodded, wiping my eyes before sitting up. She left the room and I quickly got dressed and left the room, Edward following me. I sat back in the same chair and tried to get my tears to stop. A few fell down my cheeks and I spent the whole 10 minutes hiding the tears. A nurse called me back again and lead us to the same room we had been at first. Dr. Jones was already there and waiting. Bypassing the table, I sat in the chair and Edward leaned against the wall.

"Well, I am sorry to tell you but between the blood work and the ultrasound, I am certain you have PCOS. Now I am going to give you two meds today. One is called Provera. That will help your period start. You should take it every day, once a day for ten days. After the tenth day of taking it you should start your period within two weeks. I am also giving you clomid. On day three of your period will you will start taking the clomid, once a day for five days." She smiled at us. "The clomid should help you ovulate, something women with PCOS normally don't do on their own. Ovulation should occur about 8 days after you finish your last pill of clomid. Have you ever taken a at home ovulation test?"

I nodded and she continued. "Okay, well keep taking them and make sure you have intercourse on the days they are positive. I also recommend starting a prenatal vitamin. Just to start getting that folic acid built up in your body. Take a pregnancy test two weeks after you ovulate, if negative come see me again and we will try again. I can give you 6 rounds of clomid before we will have to try something else." She looked at Edward. "I also recommend Edward getting tested, just to make sure all is okay. We need to know what we are working with so we can pave the right path."

Edward nodded. "I can set up a appointment here?"

"Yes, the front desk can set it up. No masturbation or intercourse for 2-5 days before your appointment time."

Dr. Jones gave us some more information packets and had my medication sent to a pharmacy here in Port Angeles. I've known our pharmacist for nearly 15 years and I didn't want word getting around that Edward and I was having trouble trying to get pregnant. Edward set up his appointment for later this week and we left. After we got my medication, we decided to grab lunch while we was here and went to a sub shop. Once we ordered and made our drink, I went to find a seat while Edward waited on our sandwiches and fries. Once he sat down with our food, I done more thinking then eating. I nibbled on my food.

"Are you okay?" He asked when all his food was gone and my was still sitting there half eaten.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I feel weird. I just hope this medicine works for us and I hope nothing is wrong with your sperm." I sighed. "And I just wish all this would go away and I would be normal."

"I know, baby." Edward grabbed my hand. "But we will get through this, no matter what happens."

I nodded and we left shortly afterwards. Edward had to go back to work. He wanted to stay home with me again, but I wanted, no needed the alone time. I needed to get my head together.

As soon as I got home I let Milo out and fed him, then went outside and got some boxes from the shed. Taking them upstairs I went to the second door on the left and opened it. I stood there for a moment, willing myself not to cry and went inside. I flipped on the light and started throwing stuff in the boxes. Once one was filled, I taped it and sat it in the hallway. I stripped the room until only the crib and rocking chair remained. As much as I didn't want to cry, once I was done my face was red and puffy and wet.

I went to the bathroom and washed my face, then put Milo back in the kitchen. I grabbed my keys and went to see the one person that might make me feel better. No matter how childish and stupid it sounded, right now I needed my momma.

When she opened the front door and saw me standing there, her face filled with concern. I wondered what she saw in my face. Did I look broken? Because that's how I felt. I felt broken and useless.

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into the house. "Bella what's wrong?" I shook my head, not knowing how to get the words out.

Infertile.

Such a simple word, but I couldn't make it form in my throat. Instead giant sobs came out and together my mom and I leaned against the door and slid to the floor. She held me, running her fingers through my hair as my body shook with the power of my cries. I knew there was a chance that having a baby would be hard. Common sense, right? No periods, no ovulation, no baby. But never in a million years did I think I would have something like PCOS. Something that could truly make it impossible to have a baby.

It took me some time to calm down enough to talk to my mom, but finally I did. "The doctor said I have PCOS. She gave me some medication to help me get pregnant, but it may not work."

I watched my moms face, watching as she realized what I was saying and I could tell her heart was broken too. It made me feel worse. Not only is this stupid, useless body I am in possibly ruining my dreams, but my family's dreams too. It wasn't fair, it was right. All the teenagers, the drug addicts, all the bad people in this world that have kids. It wasn't right. What did I do wrong? I waited until I was married to have sex. I volunteered at the local shelter and helped during holidays. Sure, I cuss sometimes and drink here and there. I don't follow the Christian faith even though I do believe in God. I have never done anything that bad, never anything bad enough to deserve something as horrible as this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Once I had calmed down enough my mom helped me up and lead to me to couch. "I cant imagine the pain your feeling right now, but Bella please remember there is always chance. If the doctor didn't think you could get pregnant, she wouldn't have given you this medication."

I nodded. "I know, but I feel so hopeless. I try to keep hope, but its hard. I want this so badly. I want to be a mom so badly and I feel like now it may never happen."

She hugged me. "Your staying for dinner. Call Edward and tell him to meet you here." She got up and went to the kitchen and I listened to her and grabbed my phone to send a text to Edward.

 _At moms, come here when your off work – B_

Within the hour my dad had come home, followed by Jasper and Alice. They left the kids with their next door neighbor, who also has worked with Jasper on the farm for years. Esme and Carlisle came next and then Edward about 30 minutes later. By the time he walked in the door we were all sitting in the living room, just chatting. I told them all what was happening and explained what it meant for the future. Edward smiled at me and Alice moved to sitting on the floor, leaning against my legs so Edward could sit with me.

I took a long look at my family. The love and support we had here was simply amazing. I couldn't wish for a better family. While we sat there I closed my eyes and wished for the only thing that could make this better, make it perfect. A baby to call my own, biologically mine or adopted that didn't matter. I wished that the medication would work and we wouldn't have any problems getting pregnant.

The next morning as soon as I woke up, I took my first Provera pill. I was anxious and worried. I grabbed the paper that the doctor had given me and looked over the side effects.

 _Nausea, bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, changes in vaginal discharge, mood swings, blurred vision, dizziness, drowsiness, weight gain or loss._

Well that sounds like a lovely little pill. Sighing I grabbed the paper for clomid and went through its side effects. I wanted to know and be ready for what the next few weeks would bring.

 _Vaginal bleeding, breast discomfort, nausea and vomiting, mood swings, hot flashes._

"Well," I spoke aloud. "Between the two pills I should be a big bag of fun the next few weeks."

Authors Note – Thanks to those that have reviewed, fav'd and or followed this story. I hope you all enjoy it. For those that think Bella is nuts for buying baby things before she was pregnant. You have to remember that trying to conceive is a rough road and I'm sure there is going to be many times that you think she is crazy. And please remember what I am writing is real life for a lot of couples (my husband and I being one of those couples). My hope here isn't just to write a good story, its to inform people of the cold, hard truth of infertility.

To those that have shared their own struggles with me, I wish you the very best and hope that if you haven't you get your miracle baby soon!

I don't know when the next chapter will be out. I didn't plan to post this chapter so soon, but the words just came to me so I finished this chapter quickly. If I was to guess it will probably be out within the week. The next chapter will be covering Bella taking the medication and how it will effect her.

Again thank you for read and please review and sorry for the AN!


	4. Chapter Three

_**Chapter Four – Bella POV – August 2015**_

"Edward I know." I didn't yell, but I did raise my voice. "I promised, I know. I didn't say I wasn't going to do it, I just said I feel like crap today."

"I know you do, baby. But the doctor said with this medication its normal."

I stared at him. I was on day seven of Provera, day five of clomid and to be honest it was kicking my ass. My breast hurt all the time and some days I'm so bloated that I cant fit into my jeans. I have constant headaches and I think my mood swings are going to give Edward whiplash. "I know that." I sighed, getting irritated. "I'll go get dressed and we can go." He didn't say anything. "Put Milo in the kitchen please, I'll just be a moment."

Once upstairs, I closed the bedroom door and tears started to fall. I didn't fully know why I was crying. I was just tired and irritated. I know I promised Alice we'd come over for dinner, but I never imagined I would feel _this_ bad. Groaning, I went to the closet and threw on a pair of stretchy pants, jeans just didn't do it because of the bloating. I threw on a light red sweater and brushed my hair out, before going back downstairs. Edward already had Milo put up and he was whining from the kitchen. I patted his head on my way to put my shoes on. "We will be back soon, boy."

Edward was standing by the door. "Are those sweat pants?"

I stopped and stared at him, my anger coming quick at his tone. "No, they are just stretchy pants. I cant fit into any of my jeans. I'm really bloated today. Is there a problem with what I'm wearing because if so you can go by yourself."

Edward flinched. "No, I'm sorry you just normally don't wear stuff like that out of the house." He opened the door and I stomped my way out of it. "You know," He said to my back, while locking the door, "This is a dinner party. More then just Alice and Jasper are going to be there." He walked passed me and I glared daggers at his back and followed him to the car.

"Yes Edward, I know." I yanked the door open and slammed it once inside. "But I cant fucking help it, okay? I can not fit into my jeans and I'm not wearing a dress because that will push on my breast. I am not going to be in pain to go to a dinner party that I really don't even feel like going to. So again if there is a problem with what I'm wearing, I will get the hell out of this car and you can go alone.

He didn't say anything else, just pulled out of the driveway.

I sat in the middle of Edward and Jasper at the dinner table. I wasn't really hungry, felt more sick actually so I just sipped my water and listened to everyone talk. Emmett was here, along with his girlfriend of a few months Rosalie. They are nice people, but also pretty annoying when you have a headache. I felt Edwards elbow in my side and jerked. He nodded his head toward Rosalie and I sighed. "I am sorry, what did you say?"

She smiled. "I just asked what it is that you do? I know Edward works with his dad, but you never said."

"I am a stay at home wife."

"Oh." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Like Alice."

I nodded and smirked at her disgusted look. Someone didn't agree with the old fashioned way of running a household. Alice smiled at me. "Bella is also an amazing baker and decorator. My friends ask to order her cakes all the time, but she won't take orders."

"Why not?" Rosalie asked.

I shrugged. "Not something I want to make money from."

Rosalie raised her eyebrow. "You'll pass up making money just because you don't want to work. I mean baking a cake cant be that hard."

"You'd be surprised." I said, then turned my head towards Alice. "Where are the kids tonight?" If I didn't ignore that woman I was going to come across this table and kill her.

"They are at your moms house. They get to come home tomorrow, but then my mom wants them for the night." She laughed and grabbed Jasper hand. "Our parents make sure we get plenty of breaks."

I smiled, slightly wishing I didn't bring this conversation up. "That's good."

I turned my head back to staring at my plate and decided not to talk to anyone else, unless asked a direct question. I listened as everyone talked. I found that Jasper and Alice was trying for their third and final child and that Emmett and Rosalie was talking about marriage. Which is just crazy to me since they've only just been dating a few months. I also found out that Emmett not only works on the farm for Jasper, but is also a personal trainer. Rosalie, surprisingly worked at a shop fixing and detailing cars. Alice was thinking about going to college so she could get a job once all her kids were in school. Jasper didn't say much, but I could see him giving me concerned looks every now and then. I tried to smile at the right times and ask a few question, but it was hard when you really have no interest in what the people are saying so I don't think I fooled Jasper. At the end of the night he asked me to go to lunch one day with him and I agreed.

Laying in bed that night, I turned toward Edward and softly touched his back. "I'm sorry."

He turned toward me and grabbed my hand. "For what?"

"For being so crazy the last week."

He kissed my forehead. "It's not your fault and its okay."

I nodded and we laid there for a bit when I realized I have been so caught up in my own stuff, I never asked him how his appointment went. "I'm sorry for never asking, how did your appointment go?"

He laughed. "It was weird and awkward, which is why I never said anything about it. They took me in this room, with nothing but a chair and table. They had magazines. I think it was suppose to be porn, but you'd think they'd be able to afford something at least decent. And I didn't want them to think I was a two pump chump, so I waited ten minutes before I even done it." He started laughing. "And afterwards, I had to actually walk out with a cup full of my junk and I felt like everyone was staring at me."

"Oh, you poor baby." I cooed, running my fingers through his hair.

"It was weird." He repeated. "And hopefully I will never have to do it again."

I nodded, moving to cuddle into his chest. "I hope so too."

He was quiet for a few moments, then asked. "Bella, do you think all this is really worth it?"

"What are you taking about?"

He sat up, leaning against the headboard and I followed. "All of this. The medication, the pain your going through, not to mention we got our first bill the other day, it was well over 2 grand. Do you think this is really worth it to have a baby?"

I stared at him, not understanding. "Of course its worth it!"

"Bella, don't get crazy over this." He sighed. "I'm just saying it's a lot. What you have to go through and the bills, it's a lot."

I got out of bed, my anger raising. "Yes, it is but I thought we both agreed this is what we wanted?"

"See, this is why I hadn't said anything because I knew you'd get crazy over it."

"Of course I am getting crazy over it. I'm doing this for us. I'm taking this stupid medication and dealing with the crazy side effects for us and here you are pretty much telling me its not worth it!"

"But your not doing it for us." He said, not looking at me. "You're the one with the dream of having kids, not me. Your doing it for you."

I stared at him. "You don't want kids?"

He groaned. "Yes, I do but not this badly. Not enough to pay thousands and thousands of dollars on it and see you go through pain month after month. If you want to do it, we will but I just want you to know you don't have to do it for me, because if we never have kids then I will be fine with it."

I nodded. "Okay, good. That's really good to know."

I turned, leaving the room before he could say anything. I really thought this was something we both wanted. Something we both decided was worth fighting for and here we are almost done with our first round of meds and he decides its not worth fighting for anymore? I tried to calm down, to see it his way but no matter how I looked at it I just got more angry. I know its a lot of money and I'm kind of a pain in the ass right now, but we agreed. Before we done anything we agreed that it would be worth it. No matter what we would have to go through we agreed it is something we both want. I went downstairs and cuddle into the couch and the tears started. I didn't want to put Edward through all this if its not something he wanted, but I also wasn't willing to give up on something I've spent my whole life dreaming of.

Milo looked up at me from his bed and happily with a wagging tail came to jump on the couch and lay beside me. "Hey boy." I patted his head and it didn't take long until little puppy snores were coming out of his nose.

"Bella."

I looked up at Edward. "Yes?"

He came and took a seat beside Milo. "I'm sorry, okay? Its not that I don't want kids, I'm just worried about you. I'm worried about how the medication effects you and what's going to happen if your not pregnant in the end. I'm really worried."

I nodded. "I'm worried to, but this is worth it. Even if I have to go through hell to get a baby, its worth it to me."

"I know. For you it is worth it. I just want you to know that you don't have to do this for me. If you want to do it, I'll do it for you but I want you to know that you don't have to do it for me."

"But I want you to want this just as much as me. If it isn't worth it for you, then we shouldn't be doing it."

"Bella, I want all your dreams to come true. This is your dream and to make your dream come true, its worth it for me."

"I just don't want to put you through all this if its not something you want too. It can't just be my dream, it has to be ours." He didn't say anything to that and I sighed, getting up. "Let's just go to bed."

When I woke up the next morning Edward wasn't in bed, but Milo was. He was snoring away laying in Edwards spot. I chuckled and leaned over to take my medication. Just Provera, since I only had to take clomid for five days. After a quick shower I went downstairs. From the kitchen window I could see Edward outside working in the yard. I sighed. I didn't know what to say to him. I wasn't willing to stop trying, but I really wanted him to want this just as much as I did.

I made a simple breakfast, eggs and bacon and put a fresh pot of coffee on. Milo came down when I was almost done and I opened the door for him so he could run the yard. I left it open and yelled to Edward that breakfast was almost done. As soon as breakfast was done he went back outside and I cleaned the kitchen. After that I done a few loads of laundry, scrubbed the bathrooms until they was shiny and got started on dinner. Edwards favorite, roast, carrots, onion, celery and potatoes. Deciding to make it even better, I made some home made sweet cornbread and a small double chocolate cake. By the time the house was clean and everything cooked it was 6pm and other than for a drink and to use the bathroom Edward had hardly come in at all. I called him in and he told me he wanted to grab a quick shower before he ate. I gave Milo food and water while I waited. When he came back downstairs he smiled at me.

"Sorry I was outside so long, a lot of work out there. I still got more to do."

"Its okay." I told him, filling both our plates with food. "I spent the day cleaning up this messy house, so it works. You would have been bored in here anyway."

"This looks great." He smiled. "My favorite."

We ate in silence for a few minutes, then Edward laid his fork down and stared at me. "Bella, I am in this 110%. I want a family with you. I really do. I was just trying to tell you last night that I don't want you putting all this stress on yourself, feeling like you have to do it for me."

I looked away from him. "I know what you was trying to say. I just want you to want this as much as me."

He grabbed my hand and laughed lightly. "You and I both know men and women are different. I want a family with you, but I will never want a family as much as you."

I didn't find that very funny, but didn't want to start another fight. "Okay."

The past few days Edward and I haven't said anything more about the worth of having a baby. I think both of us were afraid to start another fight, something we have only done a hand full of times our whole marriage. I was done with both my medications and was due to ovulate any day now. I've been taking ovulation test like crazy. I also found a Facebook page for women that are trying to conceive with PCOS. The page was great for questions and information. The only thing I didn't understand was that these ladies pretty much had their own language. After hours of reading and not understanding, I finally decided to google and came up with a interesting little story to read and help you understand the terms they use.

First a couple will want to enjoy BD (baby dance) or some BMS (baby making sex). Which commences the dreaded TWW (two week wait). Two weeks later, or 14 DPO (days post ovulation), the woman will take a pregnancy test, or POAS (pee on a stick) and hope fervently for a BFP (big fat positive). You don't want to see the arrival of AF (aunt flow) or a BFN (big fat negative). If you get good news you can calculate your EDD (estimated due date) and prepare to battle a welcome visitor, MS (morning sickness).

It took me three or so times reading it before I finally started to remember it, but even still I cant keep up with the ladies in the group. Its nice to have someone that truly understands to talk to though.

Currently I was standing in the middle of the store, trying to decide what ovulation test I wanted to get since I ran out yesterday. I've been taking two a day. One around 1pm and the other around 6pm. The last one I took yesterday was getting dark, so I was hopeful that I would ovulate today. I stared at the digital test, wondering if that would be the best bet. The line test are sometimes a pain in the butt since the test line has to be as dark or darker then the control line. Sometimes its hard to tell if its positive or not. I sighed and grabbed a box both of both, then moved on to pregnancy test. I got a box of first response test, since the ladies on my PCOS group said blue dye aren't very good. Something about 'evap lines', whatever that means. I should probably google it, I thought randomly while trying to decide if I wanted to go ahead and get a box of digital test as well.

"Why not?" I said aloud and threw them in the cart. I done a bit more shopping for random things we needed around the house before leaving the store and going home. It took me two trips to get everything in the house and when I finally did, I realized it was 1pm and went up stairs to pee in another cup, after letting Milo out and putting away any cold food. I ripped open the digital test and dipped it in the urine for the right amount of time, then last minute decided to go ahead and test a regular one too, just in case. I sat them both on the counter and poured my pee in the toilet before throwing out the cup and washing my hands. I looked down at the test and about screamed. They were both positive.

"Oh my…" Over a year I've been taking this test and this is the first positive I have ever gotten. I wanted to jump and scream with joy. Big fat happy tears rolled down my cheeks and I grabbed my phone and took a picture and sent it to Edward.

 _The meds worked! Look who is ovulating! Xoxo –B_

 _ **Authors Note – Thanks for reading and to those that have reviewed thank you! I am so glad some people are enjoying this story.**_

 _ **Credit for the little TTC language story goes to the team of writers on Preseed . com**_

 _ **I did not write it and am in no way claiming I did. If you want to check out the page, remove.**_


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